Oct 052009
 

This post brought to you by:
McCoy Tyner
McCoy Tyner - Days of Wine and Roses

Silly answers to stupid questions, brought to you by the disconcertingly well-scrubbed (for cooks, anyway) bunch of fair-traders at CHOW.com:

I have never had this problem. Ever. The average lifespan of a full bottle of red wine in my house is twenty minutes, or half that if I have a friend over, or a unit of time so small as to be rendered largely theoretical if I share with the roommates. I can’t even save wine for cooking beyond a single dish, because I ascribe to the culinary school in which every pour of wine into the pan is followed by five or six pours of wine into the cook. (These days, there is much interest among Streep-addled yuppies in beef bourguignon, but students of my school would scarcely survive the recipe.)

Really, who has this problem? If you cannot find use for an entire bottle of red wine in the space of an evening, you can consider yourself a failure as a bacchanalian, a gourmand, and a member of a social species. Assuming you are a seven-year-old girl who can’t finish a whole glassy green of the red stuff all by your be-petticoated self, don’t you have friends? Don’t they like some tasty wine? If they don’t, why did you let them in your house?

Sweet Borei Pri ha-Gefen, next they’ll tell us that a crispy vinho verde cannot be chugged down to the bottom of the bottle in the manner of Sprite.

Seriously, go out there right now (7:30 AM) and drink a bottle of wine. If you get a headache or start belting out La Marseillaise, that’s just your body’s way of telling you that you’re living.

  4 Responses to “Fuckin’ CHOWderheads (#1)”

  1. Ah… but what if it’s the third bottle of the evening?

  2. Then you finish it. My policy is to not open a bottle of wine I/my compatriots are not prepared to drain. (Not that this policy has ever really come up.) If you have had two bottles of wine and want to be toastier without opening a new bottle, then have a beer. Mmm. Beer.

  3. If you have had two bottles of wine and want to be toastier without opening a new bottle, then have a beer.

    You know what Germans have to say about that?

    “Wein nach Bier das rat ich dir, Bier nach Wein das trinkt ein Schwein.”

  4. Here are two more things the Germans say:

    1) “Die Juden sind unser Unglück!”

    2) “Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich? / Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich / Von 99 Luftballons.”

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